Fear

A couple of weeks ago I saw this quote:

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear”

-Jack Canfield

That quote got me to thinking about fear and how it effects decisions and ultimately life.

fear

ˈfir/

verb

verb: fear; 3rd person present: fears; past tense: feared; past participle: feared; gerund or present participle: fearing

1.      be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

"he said he didn't care about life so why should he fear death?"

synonyms:

be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, be terrified of;

Everyone is afraid of something; the dark, big bugs, getting lost, success, failure…..the list goes on and on. I have plenty of things I am afraid of, most of which are irrational. I have a fear of not fitting in an airplane seat (I can), talking to people I don’t know (ironic since I manage a team.…in a call center). There are plenty more, but you get the idea. 

Something I’ve been afraid of for most of my life isn’t necessarily irrational. I’ve been afraid of looking foolish. I’m not certain when it started, maybe when I moved away from the neighborhood I spent most of my early life? I went from a city block with 30 kids to a street with 5 houses and 3 kids. Quite the change. I had to go to a new school where I didn’t know anyone. I used to know everyone, I used to talk to everyone, I never worried about looking foolish; I acted foolish on purpose, just to get a laugh.

That outgoing, boisterous, silly kid was replaced by one who observed, remained quiet, flew under the radar and was afraid of making a mistake. Maybe it was just my personality morphing into something new and would have happened anyway, maybe it was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not being liked, fear of a new place, fear of pretty much all of it. Eventually I grew comfortable with my new school, made new friends and I was no longer always quiet. But I still feared looking stupid or foolish.

I don’t like to take chances; it can make you look stupid. I try to say I don’t care what other people think of me, for the most part that is true, I just don’t want anyone to think I am stupid or foolish. 

That feeling ripples through your life from the mundane (drafting an e-mail to a co-worker) to the epic (meeting someone whom you hero worship) and can cause regret and my personal demon: envy.

I am envious of people who are unafraid. 

I had an epiphany. I always thought jealousy was my demon, turns out its envy fueled by fear.

Everything I want is on the other side of fear;  I plan on making it to the other side.

Join me on this next adventure: The road to fearless!

Follow me on Twitter:   @BolmerJ

Or Instagram: Misnglinke

Climbing out of the rabbit hole

as·cen·sion

noun: ascension; plural noun: ascensions

1.      the act of rising to an important position or a higher level.

"her ascension to the ranks of Twitter star"

o    the ascent of Jill out of the rabbit hole of Twitter and back to normal...almost.

noun: Ascension

Last week I talked about driving myself crazy with Twitter and I almost did. At the 11th hour I had a realization: I enjoy Twitter, I enjoy reading what other people have to say, being informed on topics I'd never seek out myself and being part of something. I decided to not worry about followers, not worry about checking off the boxes on my list and to just enjoy the experience, not obsess.

I posted the following shot of the North Carolina State Bell Tower to Instagram and Twitter and got an amazing result!

 

I got a message from @visitRaleigh, asking if I could tag my photos with #visitRaleigh? Sure, why not?

I got Top Tweet for that tweet on #visitRaleigh that evening. Interesting, not a box I had identified as wanting tocheck, but after I got it, it was quite the spirit lifter. The next day, @visitRaleigh used my shot in an informational Tweet about the Bell Tower:

  https://twitter.com/visitRaleigh/status/621478504299823108

I got a few more followers on Instagram. It was favorited 20 times and Retweeted 13 times. A record for ANYTHING to do with me and any of my Tweets.

Hmmmmm, maybe I found something here?

The first hobby I had that did not involve sports, was photography. I got my first 35mm camera body and lens (film camera that is) for my 16th birthday. A Pentax k1000 with a 50mm lens. I longed for that camera, it was the only thing I asked for, not a big party, not a big vacation, not even a driver's permit: just the camera. I took my mom to Clover (a department store in Pennsylvania where I grew up) about a bazillion times to show her what I wanted, to ensure she'd get it right. And get it right she did!

It took me a hot minute to figure out how to use it, how to get the exposure just right, how to make an interesting composition (not just a snapshot), how to develop film and make prints from the negatives. I wanted to be a famous photojournalist; that was my 16 year brain's dream. That didn't happen, but I did find a life long love: photography!

If someone asks me if I could do anything for a living, my response is an artist. I didn't start to draw until a few years ago and painting is a recent adventure, but I have always been drawn to art and taking intriguing and interesting pictures was how I expressed it for years. I still have most of my "artsy" prints from those first few years of picking up a camera. I evolved from a Polaroid land camera to a 110 to a disc and then my beloved Pentax k1000. Some are pretty horrible, but there are one or two I am certain I could sell and not for cheap either. But that takes effort and time, not something I ever had the guts to take the chance at doing. I may post a few here once I scan them, who knows.

Over the years I had become adept at manipulating light, utilizing the proper f stop to get the effect I wanted, changing up film types; I could pretty much do anything with that camera and a roll of film. I had gathered a collection of lenses, filters, flashes, another camera body and so on for my sometimes expensive hobby. I put off switching to a digital camera for quite a long time. My first digital camera was a point and shoot Panasonic and it was exciting to take a shot and see it instantly. I eventually graduated to a Canon DSLR, a Rebel xTi. It took me a hot minute, again, to figure out how to use it. I kept my artsy nature and created some fascinating images.

Wisteria

 

I have discovered with digital photography, you have many options in post production to completely change the original image. This leads to some quite beautiful images and I love, love love the filters on Instagram but as one who "grew up" on film, where you have one or two chances to get the light just right; it feels like cheating, a little. If I am skilled enough, I can take the exact shot I want without changes to it in post production; I enjoy the challenge. But, the option of being able to get a "do over" is fascinating as well. I now have Photoshop, I don't know how to use it.....yet.

I had found a way to get noticed, a way back to my sanity and rediscovered my first love:
Photography

I'm not certain where this next week will take me, stay tuned to find out. I will leave you with one of my favorite photos I've ever taken (no post production changes):

(I wanted to use a shot of my Pumpkin, but I have to ask her mom first, maybe next time)

Florida 2014

 You can follow me on Twitter: @BolmerJ or Instagram: misnglinke
 

 

Twitter: A cute little bird...or not so much?

  de·scent

 dəˈsent/

noun: descent; plural noun: descents

1   1. an action of moving downward, dropping, or falling.

"Jill’s descent into Twitter madness."

I was captivated by Twitter in an instant; like a junkie who is hooked the first time they shoot up. And like said junkie I was constantly searching for the feeling of that first high. Where would it come from:

•        a Favorite
•        a Retweet
•        a Quoted Tweet
•        a Response to one of my Tweets
•        a Mention
•        a Private message
•        or the Ultimate: a famous person follows you

I  was determined to find out.

I quickly expanded those who I followed, everything from celebrities, to lawyers, to gay publications, gay rights advocacy groups, art magazines, science stuff, SCOTUS (Supreme Court of the United States,’cause someday I’m gonna be a lawyer), TV shows, TV show creators, politicians, writers…. pretty much anything or anyone that grabbed my interest.

I have pretty diverse tastes and love randomness, I figured cast a wide net and see what I could catch. That elusive high was waiting out there somewhere.

One thing I discovered on this journey into obsession: trying to become a Twitter phenomenon is time consuming. My face was constantly in my phone, as soon as I woke up, I grabbed my phone. First thing I did when I got to my desk; check Twitter, because that 6 mile drive was just too long to be away from it. Practically every waking moment was spent checking my phone. 

This coming from someone who usually left said phone in her purse for days on end without looking at it. I was such a poor phone user, if my Pumpkin (not her government name) to FaceTime (something she enjoys even though she’s only 16 months old) Pumpkin's mother would have to text her mother, Debi (who is my partner): 

Tell Jill to answer her phone!!!!

My how I changed. 

Then I found out about live Tweeting. When a show’s cast & crew, creators, writers, producers and so on live Tweet during the show using # for whatever show it is. What a rush! It was as if the people on screen, the writer and a million other fans were sitting with me in my living room!

It’s a witty, nerdy, snarky, random person’s dream…. right up my alley.

I have been told I can be snarky (totally true), I have a sharp wit (mostly true, depends on the day) and I am self admitted, random. A perfect match!

The first time I participated in a Live Tweet session was on SYFY Friday during Defiance (a fabulous sci-fi show on the SYFY channel about an Earth that has been invaded and practically destroyed by a collective of alien races called, you guessed it The Votan Collective), Killjoys (a team of bounty hunters in space led by a kickass chick named Dutch) and Dark Matter (the crew of a spaceship wake up from stasis with no idea who they are or how they got there, oh and they have an Android, brilliantly brought to life by Zoie Palmer).

All great shows and ones you should check out if you like sci-fi and shows that aren’t afraid to do the unexpected. I checked several of those boxes mentioned above during those live Tweet sessions. I got a couple of ReTweets (one from a member of the crew for Dark Matter no less), several Favorites and a Mention!

My new hobby was found and I was on a mission to check the rest of those boxes.

Tweet, Tweet, Retweet, Favorite, Respond, Favorite repeat, repeat, repeat……………..down the rabbit hole I went…………….

Then, it happened! I started checking the boxes on my list left and right! The creator of Dark Matter @BaronDestructo quoted one of my Tweets, @penn_state (106k followers by the way) Retweeted one of my Tweets and the ultimate box..…a famous person followed me and kept following me, STILL follows me, weeks and weeks later.

Incredible!

One thing that eludes me though in my Twitter world is gathering followers. I have about 19-25 at any given time. I gain a follower, I lose a follower, back & forth, up & down it goes.

I do have to give a shout-out to the best follower ever: @JediMonkey79

He always has my back, Favoriting and Retweeting to his 250+ followers.

I figure in order to gain a ton of followers you have to be famous (I’m not), produce fan videos (I don’t have the skill), create fan art (I draw & paint, but not people), write fan fiction (I write, but I’m not delusional enough to think I’d be any good at that). 

I took it personal for a bit, you know, woe is me, nobody likes me, what’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough for people to follow and so it went until I realized it was making me insane.

I thought about deleting my account and walking away from all things Twitter; giving up.

Then I got this quote from a Chinese fortune cookie:

 “A man can fail many times, but is not a failure until he gives up.”

I forged on, but with a different tactic and a different attitude.

Next Week On……..I begin my ascent from madness….

My descent into Social Media Obsession

ob·ses·sion: an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person's mind

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? You know something which starts out as a catchy tune; you like it, you enjoy the strings or the bass line; it keeps running over and over and over through your mind; at first it's no big deal, you can ignore it if you concentrate really, really hard; then something changes and you can no longer shut it out of your thoughts, you can no longer ignore it; it begins to drive you mad.
 
That is how my descent into the rabbit hole of social media began.

I have a Facebook page, have had one since 2008 or 2009. I started it to keep in touch with family who moved away, to see their faces and be a part of their lives even though they were no longer near by. I've never been one to talk much on the phone, even as a teenaged girl, when you're supposed to have a phone surgically grafted to your ear. That just isn't me. When I got my first cell phone, a blue and silver Nokia, I discovered texting! Yeah I had to press the 3 once and then twice and the 2 twice and the 4 three times to spell my partner's name ( in case you're keeping track, it'd be 33322444 just to type her name, which I could do without looking) but hey I didn't have to actually TALK on it.

Facebook was quite entertaining when I began my page. The games were fun, other people's posts were humorous, the pictures were.....entertaining to say the least. It was exciting to reconnect with people I hadn't talked to in years, since high school or college; seeing what they were doing or what was on their minds and then......well it wasn't anymore. I lost interest in posting my own thoughts, lost interest in playing the games and became more of a Facebook........observer. I looked at my page once a week to see what everyone was doing, then it became once a month and then it became once a quarter. My partner kind of took over my Facebook, she was really into the Farming game for a long time, she was, I might say obsessed. There was a running joke amongst our friends over who was liking stuff and making comments on friends posts. Hint: it typically wasn't me.

Then it was my birthday and pretty much all of my Facebook friends sent me birthday wishes and I was touched. At the time I was a stressed out mess, I was in my second to last semester before graduating Penn State, I ran out of financial aid to pay for my last semester (I found funding, luckily Penn State has a great network of generous Alumni), I was working full time in a pressure filled job (one I still have) and I was not in a very, let's say "happy" place. It was quite touching that these people took a  second out of their day to wish me happy birthday since the last time I had posted anything new or interesting was more than 2 years before.....it set off a spark that ignited my current obsession. You see I like to be noticed, I don't have to be in the spotlight all the time, but I do like to, shall we say be noticed, I like to make an impression.

 I had been noticed and it was glorious!

I started checking my page once a week, then every day, then it became anytime I had a free moment, checking on what was happening in my circle of friends. I wasn't posting anything new myself, I had nothing to say, actually I had a lot to say, but it wasn't material for a public forum such as Facebook. I am typically one who keeps her cards close to her chest, besides who wanted to hear about my troubles? Did I mention I was in a dark place for awhile, like for a year? No? Stick a pin in that, it's a story for another day.

Like, comment, like, repost, like, like, comment, repost; so went my Facebook ritual, until I graduated and posted a shot of my brand spanking new Pennsylvania State University diploma. I got 25 likes in an hour, I got comments with congratulations....I had been noticed....again. I hadn't posted anything new in months and suddenly, I was being paid attention to and I loved, loved, loved it! I had to find a way to continue this feeling, something in addition to Facebook, something........more.

I had heard about Twitter, I didn't understand how it worked, didn't understand the allure, but I signed up and created my profile, picked people, newspapers, magazines, museums and so on to follow and.......waited. I am a cautious person by nature, I like to observe and watch before I jump into anything. So I watched my Timeline, observed how it worked, saw what others were Tweeting and took a leap.......



As I mentioned in my Fangirling post, the first people I followed were @ZoiePalmer and @Anna_Silk, to feed my addiction to all things Lost Girl of course. My first ever tweet was to Zoie Palmer and she Favorited it, pretty much instantly. Not only was I noticed, but it happened in a split second. I didn't have to guess or wait, I knew for certain Zoie Palmer read my Tweet and most importantly, LIKED it. She thought it was funny or witty or maybe she has a quota to reach for Favorites everyday and I was just lucky enough to make the cut. It didn't matter, still doesn't, I was hooked...in a split second.

You see, when a Tweet shows up on your timeline, no matter who it comes from, it's like the Tweeter is talking or 'tweeting' directly to you, sometimes they are, but usually not so much: the secret is, it doesn't matter, the feeling you get is the same. Remember the catchy tune running through your mind?

Next Week On.......we fall deeper into the rabbit hole...

Follow me on Twitter:  @BolmerJ